top of page

Weekly Doses of Pop-up Psych

We all make cringey mistakes and deserve to move on, rather than feel confused or regretful after an icky social situation. Each week, I will dissect a murky social, life cycle, or pop culture topic to help you understand, learn, and move on. As a former academic, I am a super-picky consumer of research (and you should be too) as well as the content I create and share, so those new solutions, data and/or additional resources have certainly met my approval.

Emotional Bank Account: The Little Deposit That Goes a Long Way

I failed my doctoral comprehensive exam (comps) in grad school on the first go-around. I was absolutely devastated and my self esteem was in the toilet.  I cried for days and felt vulnerable, stupid, depressed, and really scared about the future. My beloved doctoral advisor was on a sabbatical that semester, so another one of my professors, we’ll call her Dr. D, went over the feedback with me. That semester, I was enrolled in one of her courses and we had a great rapport. She seemed to like my ideas and questions in class. I was maintaining a solid A based on the work I had already submitted.

 

In spite of bombing the comps, I decided I was going to sit for them again the following semester. I was very anxious for the feedback meeting, especially since my advisor wasn’t going to be there. My goal was to learn what needed improvement so I could pass the next time. I felt very broken and it took a lot of strength to just show up. The image below is not actually me, but it resonates with how I felt at the time.

dreamstime_s_118305562.jpg

“You just can’t write”, was the first thing Dr. D said to me. Those haunting words stabbed me in the gut. We went through the exam itself and then came the worst pep talk of my life. She continued, “maybe you're just not PhD material. Have you considered other career options?” No, I hadn't considered other career options. It took all I had to not projectile vomit on the spot.

 

After the meeting, I felt worse. Although I needed feedback about my actual performance on the exam, Dr D’s delivery was unprofessional and unempathetic. The feedback would have been easier to digest if she stuck to the feedback and not given me the sucker punch.

 

Have you ever received feedback that you needed to hear, but it was delivered in a way that made you feel even worse? In The Gift of Feedback That Teaches Us What We Didn’t Know About Ourselves, I break down the value of it, but not how to deliver it.  Many of us strive to be the best version of ourselves, so valuable feedback helps us grow. However, the delivery can make or break our perception and experience.

 

Breaking Down the Emotional Bank Account

      
Highlighted in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey, the Emotional Bank Account is a model for delivering feedback applicable to most situations.This was a popular leadership book written in the 90’s. The newer leadership models share many of the same tenets. Like a bank account that holds money, there needs to be a deposit before a withdrawal. If not, the account could fall in the red and put someone in debt. When there are more deposits than withdrawals, the account stays in the green.

dreamstime_s_177991.jpg

In the world of feedback delivery, compliments, praise, and kind words are the deposits; whereas criticism and areas of opportunity are the withdrawals. Covey asserted that positive words should be purposely delivered before criticism. The recipient will get a taste of the sweet before the salty.

 

Speaking positive before negative neither influences the feedback itself nor the outcome, but it changes the tune of the conversation and softens the blow. Ideally, the recipient will value the feedback, rather than resent it.  If Dr. D started our conversation with something like, your grades reflect that you are a decent student, but your comps performance didn’t show that, it would have been easier to process. Plus,I would not have had something else to heal from. 

 

I admired Dr. D’s content expertise in our courses, but realized she was clearly incompetent with uncomfortable conversations. However, I did appreciate the technical feedback on my writing.  To prepare for the comps again, I worked with a writing coach, participated in study and support groups, took sample tests in the writing lab, and worked with a therapist to heal from the failure and build myself up for the next exam. It all worked because I passed the second time around.
 

What’s a situation when you wish someone else used The Emotional Bank Account to deliver feedback to you?

​

Hi, Beautiful Readers! Thank you for reading this! I'm Dr. Joanne Broder, Media Psychologist, Author, and Fellow of the American Psychological Association. Please consider me to help you write your memoir, blogs, speeches, e-books, as well as coach you on your dissertation or thesis.  Click here so we can connect!

bottom of page